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Welcome back everyone.

When working with clients who are having trouble changing behaviors, I often have to consider the option that there are Secondary Gains happening that they may not even be aware of.

Defining Secondary Gains:

In the realm of psychology and personal development, the concept of Secondary Gains often lurks in the shadows (something we really don’t see or are aware of), shaping our behaviors and influencing our choices in ways we may not readily recognize.  I want to try and “shed some light” on this subject to perhaps help you understand the power of Secondary Gains and the profound impact they can have on our well-being.

At its core, a Secondary Gain refers to the unintended benefits or advantages that individuals may experience as a result of a particular behavior, often a maladaptive one.  While the primary focus may be on addressing a specific issue or challenge, secondary gains can subtly reinforce and perpetuate the very behavior we are trying to overcome.  I am not sure if any of you have heard of the theory known as the Johari Window.  In essence, the Johari Window helps us understand that there are conscious and unconscious biases or needs that impact our self-awareness (or lack thereof).  With the Johari Window, there is a “blind spot” we cannot see, but others can.  The Johari Window (blind spot) is something not in our awareness but is causing us problems. 

Here are some common Secondary Gains I have either personally experienced (realized) or have seen in clients:  

1. Attention and Sympathy:  A person who constantly complains about their problems may receive sympathy and attention from others, inadvertently reinforcing their inclination to focus on negative aspects.
2. Avoidance of Responsibilities:  Procrastination (always putting the change wanted into the future timeframe) might provide temporary relief from a daunting task, offering the secondary gain of avoiding the stress associated with tackling responsibilities head-on.  In other words, we are just avoiding pain or being uncomfortable, even if it will bring us good things and happiness. So what do we do to procrastinate?  The most common behavior I see is making sure you are distracted – filling your time so you will always have an excuse of “I am just too busy.”  This is pure avoidance. 
3. Identity and Role Fulfillment:  Behaviors tied to a specific identity, such as being the “caretaker” or the “victim,” can provide a sense of purpose and fulfill certain psychological needs, even if they hinder personal growth.
4. Maintaining Relationships:  People may engage in people-pleasing behaviors to maintain relationships, even if it means sacrificing their own needs. In other words, “as long as they are happy, I’m going to survive and be okay.”  The secondary gain here is the preservation of social connections, to cover up a deep hurt or trauma, or the need to have attention (even if it is negative).  This is commonly seen in the abuse cycle of a relationship.  

The Impact on Personal Growth:

Unraveling the layers of secondary gains is crucial for personal development. These hidden advantages can create a self-sabotaging cycle, hindering progress and perpetuating negative patterns. By bringing these secondary gains into awareness, individuals can start to break free from destructive behaviors and work towards more adaptive and fulfilling alternatives.

Breaking the Cycle:

1. Self-Reflection:  Regular self-reflection helps individuals become aware of their behaviors and the potential secondary gains associated with them. This awareness is the first step towards breaking the cycle.
2. Setting Boundaries:  Establishing healthy boundaries is essential in disrupting patterns that provide secondary gains. This may involve learning to say no, prioritizing self-care, and redefining roles within relationships.
3. Seeking Professional Support:  Therapists and counselors can provide valuable insights and guidance in uncovering and addressing the root causes of behaviors tied to secondary gains.
4. Close and Honest Friend:  If you have a close friend who can (and is willing) to discuss this possibility with you, then this can be a good option to help you.  However, even if they are honest with you, you must be humble enough to acknowledge it and having a deep desire to change for your own personal growth.

Secondary gains weave a complex tapestry in the landscape of human behavior, often operating beneath the surface of our conscious awareness. Recognizing and understanding these unintended benefits is a powerful tool in fostering personal growth and creating a more authentic, fulfilling life. By peeling back the layers and addressing the root causes, individuals can embark on a journey towards positive change and self-discovery.

I hope that this has shed some light on the topic of human behavior and ONE of the reasons we “do what we do.”  

Remember, as long as the Secondary Gain is powerful (you are getting what you want), the desired change in behavior probably won’t happen until this is recognize, evaluated, and then determined (by you) that it’s not worth the gain.  Until that happens, the chances of change are going to be minimal to none.  This is just how human behavior works. 

Until next time,

Aaron Nicolaides, PhD, LCSW

Therapeuo Health – “Tackling Physical and Emotional Pain”