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Hi everyone and welcome back.  Today I want to talk about something I see a problem with almost every single day in my office – communication.  People truly struggle to communicate, and for various reasons.  

If I were to ask you, “How do you think you communicate?”  “Do you communicate well?”  “Is your communication effective?”

Do you think that if you use assertive communication that you will always be communicating?  To be fair, this is somewhat of a trick question that I am asking you.  Most would say, “yes.”  But let me ask you again….

If you are talking to someone who is narcissistic or unwilling to hear you (for a variety of reasons), and you use assertive communication, do you feel it will work?  Do you really believe that no matter how you communicate that the other person is going to listen and hear you?

In a world where mental health issues are increasingly recognized and discussed, the need for effective communication strategies has never been more apparent. Assertive communication, a vital skill in both personal and professional contexts, can be a powerful tool for enhancing mental health and fostering well-being. Let’s discuss how assertiveness can transform the way we handle our mental health and relationships.

What is Assertive Communication?

Assertive communication is the art of expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and honestly while respecting others. Unlike passive communication, where individuals may avoid expressing their needs to avoid conflict, or aggressive communication, where individuals may force their opinions on others, assertive communication strikes a balance. It is about standing up for yourself without undermining others.

The Connection Between Assertiveness and Mental Health

Reduces Stress and Anxiety: One of the primary benefits of assertive communication is its ability to reduce stress. When you communicate assertively, you are more likely to express your needs clearly, which can help prevent misunderstandings and build stronger, healthier relationships. This proactive approach can mitigate the anxiety that comes from unspoken expectations and unresolved conflicts. I often hear, “I’m just not heard or I feel like I have no voice.”  This unresolved stress of not having a voice will take its tole on your body, particularly your throat and thyroid areas.

Boosts Self-Esteem: Assertive communication reinforces your self-worth by acknowledging your right to express your needs and desires. It fosters a sense of empowerment and confidence, which can be particularly beneficial for those struggling with low self-esteem or self-doubt. Having said this, we must realize that just because we express something doesn’t mean we will “get our way.” The goal is to express and feel confident we are doing so in a kind and assertive manner.

Enhances Boundaries: Setting clear boundaries is essential for mental health. Assertiveness allows you to articulate your limits in a way that is respectful yet firm. This helps in maintaining healthy relationships and preventing burnout, as you’re less likely to overextend yourself or feel overwhelmed.

Facilitates Problem-Solving: When you communicate assertively, you engage in open and honest dialogue. This creates a conducive environment for problem-solving, as issues are addressed directly rather than simmering beneath the surface. Effective communication can lead to more collaborative solutions and reduced interpersonal conflicts.

Practical Tips for Assertive Communication

Use “I” Statements: Frame your communication around your own experiences and feelings rather than making accusatory “you” statements. For instance, say “I feel frustrated when meetings start late” instead of “You always make us late.”  Using “I” statements allows us to express how we think and feel and (at the same time) avoiding blame.

Maintain Open Body Language:  Are you aware that nearly 90% of communication is done non-verbally?  So, if you are trying to communicate (verbally) with assertiveness, is your communication (non-verbally) expressing the same message?  Your non-verbal cues can reinforce your message. Maintain eye contact, use a calm and steady voice, and adopt an open posture. For example, using an open hand with your palm facing up is much better than pointing your finger while expressing thoughts.  This conveys confidence and openness.

Practice Active Listening: Assertive communication involves not just speaking but also listening. You have two ears for a reason – listen twice as much as you speak.  Show empathy and understanding towards the other person’s perspective, and respond thoughtfully. Active listening also involves remembering what others are saying and trying to communicate to you.

Be Clear and Concise: Avoid ambiguity. Clearly articulate your thoughts and needs without over-explaining or apologizing excessively. This ensures your message is understood and respected.

Learn to Say No: Assertiveness includes the ability to say no when necessary. It’s important to understand that you can refuse requests or set limits without feeling guilty. “Oh, I would love to do that, if I could and had time. Maybe next time?” If you say “yes” to everyone, you will quickly become stressed, overwhelmed, resentful and find yourself with anxiety or panic.

Manage Your Emotions: Stay calm and composed, even in challenging situations. Emotional regulation helps in maintaining a balanced approach and prevents communication from becoming defensive or aggressive.

Who are You Communicating With?:  Remember, you may be communicating the best way possible – using both verbal and non-verbal assertive communication.  Yet, the other person (or group of people) may not hear you or perceive that.  People use their own “filter” when communicating – especially with listening and understanding.  Someone with a strong agenda, is probably not going to be open to hear you – regardless if you use assertiveness or not.  Be OKAY with this!  Do not “own” the other persons reactions.

Overcoming Challenges in Assertive Communication

It’s important to acknowledge that assertive communication can be challenging, especially for those who have not practiced it regularly. Here are some strategies to overcome common hurdles:

Self-Awareness: Reflect on your communication style and identify areas for improvement. Self-awareness is the first step in making positive changes. This includes both verbal and non-verbal communication.

Practice: Like any skill, assertiveness improves with practice. Start with low-stakes situations and gradually build your confidence. For example, trying saying “no” with some simple requests and build your confidence. I promise you, the world is not going to end because you said no.

Seek Support: Consider working with a therapist or a really good friend or partner to develop your assertive communication skills. They can provide personalized guidance and support. This can be a major source of help, especially when attempting to communicate with someone who is very aggressive or passive-aggressive.  Those kinds of communication will often make you feel as if ‘you’ are the problem, when in fact it is the opposite. Yet, we should attempt to use the best form of communication possible, regardless if they listen or not.  

In the end

Assertive communication is more than just a technique; it’s a way to enhance your mental health and build more meaningful relationships. By expressing yourself openly and respectfully, you foster an environment where your needs are acknowledged and valued. This not only supports your mental well-being but also contributes to healthier interactions and a more balanced life. So, embrace assertiveness as a tool for empowerment and watch how it transforms your approach to communication and self-care.

I hope this has helped.  Until next time,

Aaron Nicolaides, PhD, LCSW

Therapeuo Health – “Tackling physical and emotional pain”