Blog Posts

Hi everyone and welcome back.  In this blog I want to share some insights about a very common “theme” I hear (almost daily) when meeting with clients.  This “theme” is stated by one client, “I am sick and tired of others around me trying to tell me how to be happy.  All they want to do is for me to believe and act they way they want me to!  Can’t I define my own happiness?  Why can’t they accept my own version of happiness?”

Happiness

Happiness is deeply personal, yet we often feel tempted to share our version of it with others, hoping they’ll find the same spark. In many cases, we DEMAND they do what we feel is best for them!  If they don’t, and they do things we would not do, we ridicule and talk bad about them. 

While spreading positivity is a beautiful instinct, pushing your interpretation of happiness or communication style onto those around you can sometimes backfire, creating tension instead of connection. Here’s how to share your joy authentically while respecting others’ unique paths to happiness.

1. Define Your Happiness Without Judgment

Happiness looks different for everyone. For you, it might be morning hikes or deep intellectual debates, but for someone else, it could be quiet evenings with a book or spontaneous adventures. For some, it is attending Church, AA or NA meetings, or perhaps being with the people they choose.  Personally, someone close to me once said, “YOU SHOULD do what I do, my hobbies, etc. because this is what works!  If it works for me, it WILL work for you too!”

(Insert a plethora of eye rolls here and few dry heaves)

Before sharing your happiness, take a moment to reflect: What makes you feel alive? Write it down—maybe it’s journaling, dancing, or helping others. Understanding your own joy helps you share it without expecting others to mirror it.

Avoid the trap of assuming your happiness formula is universal. If your friend finds peace in solitude while you thrive in social settings, celebrate their path instead of nudging them toward yours. This self-awareness sets the stage for genuine connections.

2. Lead by Example, Not by Force

The most powerful way to share happiness is to embody it. When you radiate joy—whether through a warm smile, enthusiasm for your passions, or calm confidence—you inspire others without saying a word. People notice authenticity. If your happiness comes from creative pursuits, invite others to join you in a low-pressure way, like, “I’m painting this weekend; want to try it with me?” This opens the door without pushing.

Forcing your approach can feel like judgment. If you love structured communication (like daily check-ins) but your partner prefers spontaneous chats, insisting on your way might make them feel stifled. Instead, model your style and let them engage on their terms.

3. Communicate with Curiosity, Not Control

When sharing your happiness or communication preferences, approach conversations with curiosity. Ask questions like, “What makes you feel most alive?” or “How do you like to stay connected?” This shows respect for their perspective and invites mutual understanding. If you’re excited about your mindfulness routine, share how it helps you—without suggesting they must try it.

Active listening is key. If someone shares their struggles, resist the urge to offer your happiness recipe as a fix. Instead, say, “That sounds tough—how can I support you?” This builds trust and keeps the conversation open, not prescriptive.

4. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Joy

Sharing happiness doesn’t mean sacrificing your own. If your attempts to connect feel draining—like pushing a friend to join your book club when they’re uninterested—set gentle boundaries. You might say, “I love sharing my passions, but I also want you to feel free to do what lights you up.” This preserves your energy and respects their autonomy.

Similarly, if your communication style (say, direct and frequent) clashes with someone else’s (more reserved), find a middle ground. Compromise—like agreeing on weekly catch-ups instead of daily texts—honors both your needs.

5. Celebrate Their Happiness, Too

True connection happens when you cheer for others’ joy, even if it’s different from yours. If your sibling finds bliss in gaming while you’re all about yoga, ask about their latest virtual adventure with genuine interest. This reciprocity strengthens relationships and creates a space where everyone feels valued.

Control = Anxiety, Depression and other Mental Health Issues

As you can imagine, attempting to define what others should do to be happy is nothing more than control.  Even if someone has the “intention” of helping someone “because it’s the right way” you can easily slip into taking control by using manipulative persuasion. Why is it so challenging to allow others to find their joy and what “makes them tick?”  

Final Thoughts

This topic is being highlighted not only from personal experience, but from helping thousands of clients.  What are typical reactions and outcomes from those who are feeling the force of others imposing their happiness onto them (even by force)?  Major Depressive Disorders, Anxiety or Panic, Sleeping issues, Trauma, Feelings of Inadequacy, Low Self-Esteem, Lack of Self-Care, Suicide, and more!  Congratulations!  In your attempt to place your own Joy onto others, you have now helped them into a dark black hole, where some people never return.  

“But Dr. A, I am just offering them the gift of happiness!”

Sharing happiness is like offering a gift—it’s most meaningful when given without expectation. By living your joy authentically, communicating with curiosity, and respecting others’ paths, you create a ripple effect of positivity. You don’t need to push your version of happiness; just let it shine, and those around you will feel its warmth in their own way.

Challenge

Live your Joy and Happiness and let it shine.  THEN, allow others to do the same.  Truly, it is that simple.

Until next time,

Aaron Nicolaides, PhD, LCSW

Therapeuo Health – “Tackling physical and emotional pain”