Blog Posts

Over the span of 20+ years in my career, I’ve observed one thing – most people are living in survival mode.

I don’t judge or label this as “wrong” per se, but it’s safe to say that this is probably not the way to find and experience the joy that life has to offer.  

How many of us can honestly say that we have “settled” for things in life?  It’s as if we have a mindset (belief) that this is “as good as it gets.”  When we do this, we immediately begin living in survival mode.  The question is, why do we do this and what can I do about this now?

Let me begin by sharing a story from a client that I’ve worked with in the past.  I’ve changed some information to help protect the person’s identity and confidentiality.  This client, whom I will call Gloria, came to me for help for a variety of reasons, more than she realized at the time.  She initially called me for help after being released from an addiction treatment center where she had been staying for 60 days.  She was looking for outpatient support and to help her remain in sobriety.  This was not her first treatment center experience, it was her fourth (fairly common, actually). Upon speaking with her, it was clear she had issues with addiction, but there was a huge pile of other issues such as anxiety, depression and some sexual abuse trauma from her childhood.  As with most people, Gloria did the best she could, barely making it through high school.  She married her high school sweetheart.  They had two children, yet their marriage was rough (for a variety of reasons).  When asked about their marriage, she stated, “I’d rather be married to a man who doesn’t treat me like I need than to be left living alone and a single mother.”  

Why or how did Gloria end up in this situation?  After a few sessions, we began to really dive deeper into her belief systems – where they reside in her mind and why she established them.  A couple of her belief systems, due to her sexual trauma, were “I am broken”, “who could possibly love me” and “I’ll take what I can get and call that love.”  The client was living in fear and “surviving” her current life. 

When people acknowledge they are living in survival mode, they have two choices.  First, they can choose to do whatever it takes to resolve the issue and begin making the changes necessary to live life…real life.  Or, they can choose to continue living in survival mode (fear).  There are no other options.  No, seriously, there are no other options.  The cycle of pain and sorrow will continue until a decision is made to change course.  Unfortunately, many will not make this choice.

For the majority of people, many will choose to live in fear and survive life.  What does this look like (in the real world)?  Higher divorce rates, unplanned pregnancies, higher crime rates, higher addiction and overdose rates, higher suicide rates, higher levels of anxiety, depression, trauma, etc.  Higher rates of unhappy marriages.  Higher rates of cheating in relationships.  In order to “cope” with this life, they use distraction.  If they can keep busy enough, they won’t think about their sadness…or even worse…feel sad.  How much time in the day do people spend watch TV, on social media, etc. etc.?  People will use anything (justifying it all) to keep away from the emotional feelings.  However, these emotions are the very thing telling them that are not living their “true life.”  After a while, these emotions turn into physical problems, including major illness and death.  

Gloria, at this time in therapy, was now looking at these choices; whether to continue living in survival mode or to take control and live a different way.  As easy as this may sound, it is challenging, and Gloria found this to be true.  However, when people can truly heal the part of them that is influencing these choices to be made, it becomes much easier.  Her sexual trauma had such an impact on her life, that she had turned to addiction and unhealthy relationships to survive life.  However, the choice to live this way was working for her…until it wasn’t.   She had to look closely at her life and one of things she needed to consider was returning to her life (same relationship, alcohol/drugs, etc.) because it was “comfortable” and in her words, “It is what I know and am familiar with.”  On the other hand, she knew it would not only bring pain and suffering, but many other issues including raising her children in an unhealthy way.  She had some decisions to make, and nobody could make them for her.  

In this case, Gloria took the road of healing and changing her life.  She began to heal from her trauma – understanding and accepting it fully.  She then began to make new belief systems about herself.  She then began to make changes – including staying sober and removing herself from her marriage.  This was “challenging and scary” for her.  Yet, she is now living a sober life, in a fantastic relationship, not experiencing any symptoms of anxiety, depression or triggers from trauma.  Her body also responded well and is no longer experiencing many of the “health problems” she was having.  Those have completely disappeared.  She is happy, truly happy.  She is living freely, no longer controlled by negative emotion.  She emailed me a while ago to inform me of her life, how grateful she is to be living and finding pleasure in life.  She has made changes in relationships, made a career change and could not happier.  

I love hearing these stories!  Even better, I love watching them happen first hand!  

When people are ready to make a different choice and regain control, they can move into living life freely.  They find peace, calmness, excitement, pleasure and their relationships improve dramatically.  They find their “purpose” in life, they are free to share their gifts and talents with others.  We are here to help. 

If you are ready to make this change, go for it.  The choice is yours.  🙂

Aaron Nicolaides, PhD, LCSW

Therapeuo Health – “Tackling physical and emotional pain”