Blog Posts

Hey friends,                                            So far we have talked about what boundaries are and the types of boundaries with examples for each.  If you missed those they are available in my previous blog posts.  Today I wanted to talk about setting and maintaining boundaries.  Boundaries really come down to values and the limits we are willing to set to protect those values.  For example, if I value my family I may set certain boundaries such as; the amount of hours I am willing to work in a week, or how much time I spend on my phone when I am with my family.  I like to look at boundaries as a way to protect myself, my home, my people.  I have limits on who gets access to what.  I look at boundaries as an extension of myself and my space, like my home.  Do we allow just anyone access to our home, our bedrooms, our safe space?  Setting boundaries can be really hard.  I think this is a common theme in my own life and with clients I have who are actively working on setting and maintaining boundaries.  Not everyone is going to have the same values as you, which means your boundaries may be different than other peoples and that is ok.  Say it with me, “it is ok for me to have different values and boundaries than other people.” People who struggle with people pleasing and have difficulty saying no may have a hard time with this concept, that is ok. If boundaries were easy everyone would be doing them.  It is also ok to accept that not everyone is going to like it when you try to set boundaries, because it’s a change, and people don’t like change (that’s a whole other blog topic for a different day).  There are so many benefits of exploring boundaries as I have discussed previously.  Some of the things that can be helpful, when it comes to setting boundaries, is exploring the “why” behind the boundary, the reason why this boundary is necessary and important.  It can also be helpful to start small as boundaries are hard and it takes time and practice to get good at them.  Setting boundaries early on can help people know your limits from the start which makes them easier to maintain.  Even if boundaries haven’t been set early it is also ok to explore relationships (my relationship bullseye can help with that) and look at if there are any relationships that might need to move and if boundaries could help put limits on relationships that need them.  It is always ok to move people away or closer to your bullseye depending on respect, communication, and support.   A key part of setting and maintaining boundaries is communication.  Recognizing how you feel about something, why the boundary matters, and how you want to communicate it. If you struggle with communication, therapy can help with that.  We will continue talking about effective communication in the future.  Here are my tips for boundaries to end.                          Goal-setting: Ask yourself, what is the goal in setting a boundary or needing to set a boundary.            Start small: Setting boundaries may be uncomfortable. The key is to start small and focus on one thing at a time.                                                        Be clear: Focus on what you want as clearly as possible.

Practice: If thinking about setting a boundary makes you nervous, write out what you want to say beforehand or practice in the mirror.                Keep it simple: This is a time when less is more. Rather than overloading someone with too many details, pick the main thing that is bothering you and focus on that.                            Until next time,                              Emilie Barragan, LCSW