Blog Posts

Hey friends, welcome back to the blog.  Today I wanted to talk about shame and the cycle we can experience when we feel shame.  Shame is different than guilt; shame is when we feel there is something wrong with us or we are bad.  Guilt is the feeling we get when we feel we have done something bad or wrong. Shame can be an overwhelming and painful feeling.  

There is a cycle with shame that starts by getting triggered by something; triggers are usually referred to as some sort of stressor that can lead to an adverse emotional reaction. This can include an event, a feeling we want to change, a person, or anything else that cause an adverse emotional reaction.  During the shame cycle, once a trigger happens the next step is engaging in a behavior that causes us to feel bad.  This can range from using a substance, spending money, binge eating, engaging in self harm, exploding on someone, reckless behavior, chronic avoidance, watching porn, or lying.  After we engage in this kind of behavior we tend to feel guilty, deep guilt can then turn into shame.  After we start feeling shame, we dwell on the mistake.  We start to have unhelpful thinking patterns and may engage in self sabotaging thought processes.  This may include thoughts like, I am a bad person, there is something wrong with me, I am unloveable, I don’t deserve happiness, and I am not good enough.  The shame cycle says that this kind of thinking “shame spiraling” results in us engaging in another destructive behavior that helps us feel better in the moment.  Engaging in destructive behavior usually causes us to feel more ashamed, which keep the shame cycle to continue.  Self-destructive behaviors can be used as a temporary distraction from the way we are feeling or they can be seen as a form of “punishment” for doing something you consider unhealthy.  

Here are some strategies to consider if you recognize the shame cycle in your own life and want to break this cycle of shame and self-destruction.

1. Notice your triggers: bringing more awareness into when you don’t feel like you are good enough and what situations, people, things, etc. bring that up can be a good step toward breaking the cycle of shame.  

2. Find someone to talk about it with: having someone you trust to talk to about your feelings and when you may notice you are feeling shame can help work through irrational thought processes. Sharing with someone who will respond with empathy or understand takes the power out of shame.  

3. Try reframing your shame: this starts by examining shame and the sources it comes from.  Reframing involves challenging the thought processes that come with shame as well as using Opposites to combat shame.  The reality is that it is ok to feel shame, we are all human.  However; feelings of shame do not mean we are a bad person.  Working on challenging irrational thoughts and looking at opposites like all the ways you are a good person can help to work through shame. 

4. Try mindfulness activities: studies have shown that people who practice mindfulness are less likely to experience high levels of shame.  A key part of mindfulness is non-judgement.  This means when practicing mindfulness to just accept the present for what it is, acknowledging thoughts and feelings that may come up but moving along without holding judgement about what you are experiencing in the moment. Mindfulness can involve observing thoughts and feelings without judging yourself. It also involves bring aware of your external surroundings and what you are experiencing in your internal world.  Mindfulness practices to consider trying include meditation, mindful yoga, guided meditation or breathing, five senses, journaling, and grounding by going outside.  

5. Consider seeking help: sometimes shame gets in our way.  Sometimes fear and irrational thought processes can be too hard to challenge on our way without skills or help.  Sometimes we don’t have a safe person to talk to and need to consider therapy to start processing shame.  Times to consider getting help can include if destructive behaviors are impacting relationships, negatively impacting our life, feeling distressed about the behavior, and using unhelpful coping mechanisms like using substances heavily.  

I hope you have found this useful or insight in some way.  One of my favorite people that talks about shame is Brene Brown.  She says “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”  If we want to make changes sometimes we have to first work on shame cycles we may experience, including our belief systems that tell us we aren’t good enough and self destructive behaviors we may engage in. 

Thanks for reading, until next time.  

Emilie Barragan, LCSW  

Therapeuo Health  – “Tackling physical and emotional pain”