Blog Posts
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a trait I have found I relate the most to my clients about. Perfectionists hold themselves to impossibly high standards. It’s driven primarily by internal pressures and an excessive focus on control.
The most common ways I hear perfectionism come out are; I feel like nothing I do is good enough, I am unique and different, other people can fail but I can’t. I want it done exactly right. I have to do it alone because other people won’t do it right. Perfectionism can come from a place of avoiding failure, fearing disapproval or judgement. Perfectionism can be debilitating. I have seen clients who are so afraid of failing or doing something “wrong” that they will self sabotage by not trying or settling. If I don’t try or if I settle it is easier to accept that I am not enough, I can’t have what I want out of life, and may not be happy. Some people will procrastinate and wait until the last minute so there is no way it can be as good as they think it should be. A personal example of this for me is finishing my graduate assignments within minutes of the deadline, feeling immense pressure but also having no time to make it “perfect.”
Self sabotage becomes an artform not all of us know we have. Once we gain awareness of our self sabotaging behaviors they become even more apparent. That is where I like to start with clients, helping them gain awareness of their self sabotaging behaviors. Let’s explore some other ways to cope and overcome perfectionism.
1. Create an environment where you feel accepted. Sometimes our perfectionist traits can be passed down from other people in our lives like caregivers, role models, coaches, peers.
2. Set small goals. By setting realistic, small goals that are easier to attain can help work on having a more realistic mindset of what is achievable.
3. Practice mindfulness. Usually perfectionists are so concerned about the future and the outcome they forget about the present or choose to not take moments to be present. Being aware of your own standards and expectations and how you react to them will help you to stay in the moment. By taking a step back and remembering to think before you react can help to reduce any autopilot impulsive response.
4. Practice positive self talk and replace negative thoughts with facts and positive affirmations. Often perfectionists will have thoughts like “if it doesn’t go this way, I failed.” By challenging that kind of thought with something like.. did I really fail if it doesn’t go this way? Was my expectation realistic? Would someone else think it was good enough? Practicing more positive self talk can also help you feel more in control. Examples of more positive self talk include.. I did my best, no one thinks I failed or is disapproving, it is ok to make mistakes.
5. Now speaking of control, another step is to work on letting go of control. It can be helpful to look at what you are looking to have control over in your life by what you are choosing to focus on vs what you are working to ignore or avoid. Things don’t always have to go a certain way for you to be enough, learning this is a helpful way to learn to adapt. Sometimes perfectionism and wanting to be control can come with rigidity. I like to teach clients to focus on what is in their circle of control which includes their own thoughts, behaviors, and reactions. This can help increase flexibility when we work to let go of areas we are less in control of.
For me letting go of perfectionism has been something I have been working on for most of my career. It is helpful for me to practice these steps listed above. Sometimes it can also be helpful to seek professional help like therapy to work on challenging negative belied systems like not being good enough, exploring self sabotaging behaviors, and finding better ways to live. The choice is yours.
-Emilie Barragan, LCSW
“Tackling physical and emotional pain.” – Therapeuo Health