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My favorite definition of empathy is “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another person.”  One thing about this definition that stands out to me the most is action.  Not everyone is born being empathetic, but everyone can learn to be more empathetic.  Another word in this definition I like is vicariously. I think there can be a misconception about empathy that unless you have experienced the same thing that you can’t understand what another person might be feeling.   Although it is helpful and helps us feel less alone when the person has gone through something similar, it doesn’t mean everyone has to have the same experiences to practice empathy.  Vicariously experiencing means you don’t have to go through the same experience as another person to be able to understand the feelings and thoughts that the experience has caused.  

Before we talk about ways to build empathy let’s first start by talking about the difference between empathy and sympathy.   Sympathy is more of a feeling of pity for another. Empathy is our ability to understand how someone feels while sympathy is our relief in not having the same problems.  I am sure everyone has had an experience like this, instead of having another person say “I hear you, I can understand your feelings in this situation” you hear something more along the lines of “I am glad I haven’t dealt with that” or “ I am sorry that happened to you.“  There is no right or wrong here, it is ok to say I am sorry to people or to not want to have experienced what they have.  Sympathy is a normal feeling.  

Empathy is shown in how much compassion and understanding we can give another.  Benefits of empathy include improving our capacity to communicate well with others.  Empathy also helps regulate emotions and promote behaviors that are more helpful.  

There are ways we can work on building empathy.  One way to work on building empathy is by practicing communication skills like listening.  Listening with the purpose to understand can help build empathy.  Sometimes when we communicate we listen to respond, we listen to have an answer or solution.  A way to practice building empathy is to listen to understand what the person is saying, how they might feel, and what they may need out of the communication.  Asking people for their feedback on your listening skills and finding ways to improve based on feedback can help increase empathy.  

Another way to work on building empathy is to get curious.  I tell clients often to look at themselves and their way of thinking from more of a curiosity standpoint instead of judgmental.  This can also apply to help us build empathy.  By looking at other people from a curiosity standpoint including being interested to learn more about and understand the other person’s point of view.  Curiosity can help us to observe instead of judge others.  

Building empathy may require us to step out of our comfort zone.  There are several ways to get out of our comfort zones.  This can look like traveling somewhere new, learning something new.  This can help build empathy by seeing how you feel when you are uncomfortable.  Getting out of your comfort zone can help you more easily put yourself in other people’s shoes.  

One question I tend to ask people is if there is anything they are doing to limit themselves.  Sometimes our own biases can get in the way of empathy.  Sometimes we judge other people on the way they live their life, how they look, where they live, etc.  A way to practice building empathy is bringing awareness to and examining our biases.  It is ok for people to have different experiences, different lives, look a different way, and have different beliefs.  By   examining our biases and looking at people from a curiosity standpoint we can better build our empathy.  

Emilie Barragan, LCSW

“Tackling physical and emotional pain.”  – Therapeuo Health