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Hey friends, welcome back to the blog.  Today I am going to talk about attachment styles and the way they can impact our relationships with others. Attachment styles are patterns of relating to others that can be influenced by early childhood relationships with caregivers.

There are four common attachment styles.  These include:

1. Secure attachment: a healthy balance of independence and connection, a fairly positive view of oneself, others, and relationships.

2. Anxious attachment: an insecure style where people want to be loved and have connection 

3. Disorganized attachment: an insecure style that involves unpredictable and contradictory behaviors in relationships due to inconsistent caregiving or trauma.

4. Avoidant attachment: an insecure style forming when a child experiences inconsistent or unresponsive care from their caregivers. 

There are also two other forms of avoidant attachment that can form.  Dismissive avoidant usually presents as emotionally-distanced and highly self-reliant.  Fearful avoidant is an insecure style of attachment where people have a strong desire for close relationships, but distrust others and fear intimacy.

Most people want to have more secure attachments.  Being more secure also helps us feel more security in life overall and helps with self esteem.  People with an insecure attachments may negatively impact their relationships.  People with anxious attachment styles tend to be insecure about their relationships, fear abandonment, and often seek a lot of external validation.  People with avoidant attachment styles may have a hard time being emotionally available in relationships.  They may withdraw from conflicts and end relationships before they get too serious.  People with disorganized attachment styles may be inconsistent and have unpredictable behavior, such as going from being very independent to clingy.  They may also perceive others as unpredictable. 

Developing more secure attachment styles is possible if relationships are emotionally supportive, there is willingness to have heathy communication, and if there is emotional safety in the relationship and within yourself.   

There are several ways to work on improving attachment styles to explore.  

1. Understanding your own attachment styles.  It can help to improve relationships and overall well-being when you learn about your own attachment styles.  There are several free attachment style quizzes online, some require email to get your results.

Here is a common free attachment style quiz that can be taken to determine where you fall currently.  https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/

2. Improve or develop self awareness.  This starts with paying attention to your own feelings and noticing when feelings of anxiety, fear, and pain come up.  Improving self awareness can also include reflecting on behaviors you engage in based on how you feel.

3. Practice emotional regulation.  This skill can help you deal with uncertainty you may feel and can also help create more of a safe place for yourself and healthy relationships.  Communication tends to improve when people can practice their own emotional regulation.  These may include things like practicing deep breathing, validating yourself, and cognitive reappraisal where you recognize and reevaluate your own thought processes that may be adding to distress.  It can also be helpful to practice self compassion for trying to heal. 

4. Develop healthy boundaries.  One issue people with different attachment styles may encounter is minimizing their own attachment needs to try and meet the needs of the other person.  For example someone who is anxious and has a need for reassurance may try to be more dismissive and give more space to an avoidant person.  This kind of example results in the anxious person becoming more anxious.  Creating healthy boundaries includes respecting your own needs, time, and energy.

5. Practicing mindfulness and emotional availability.  Practicing mindfulness involves staying in the present moment.  This may include practicing self awareness and emotional regulation.  Being present in the moment can also help with emotional availability which involves being present and attuned to the needs and emotions of others.  

6. Challenging thought processes.  This can go for avoidant thoughts and anxious thoughts.  This includes managing your anxiety and stress by challenging negative thoughts about yourself and your relationships.

7. Minimize stressors.  Different attachment styles may handle stress differently.  Anxious attachment style may experience amplified stress, feeling overwhelmed, and have a harder time bouncing back from stress.  Avoidant attachment style may be more likely to minimize stress, distance more, and may appear to manage their own distress.  Avoidant’s are more likely to dismiss their own emotions and stress as well as others.  

8.  Seek professional help.  If needed a therapist can help you understand how you relate to others and explore your attachment style. 

Secure attachments are possible – especially if you have supportive relationships and relationships willing to work on improving communication.  Being secure in yourself and your relationships helps improve self esteem and is empowering.  The more trust and security we can have in ourselves and our emotionally supportive relationships, the more we are able to be our authentic selves and live our most authentic lives.  

Thanks for reading, until next time.     

Emilie Barragan, LCSW            

“Tackling physical and emotional pain” – Therapeuo Health